The Demise of Dating and the Rise of the Hook-Up Vampire

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/13/opinion/13blow.html?_r=1&em

I ran across this interesting article today (as well as Frank Rich’s opinion piece on why Bush is to blame for everything from the leak in the kitchen sink to original sin, but we just… won’t… go there…) and what really got me thinking is a point that was probably intended to be a side note. The author speculated that one of the factors that led to “hooking up” instead of “dating” was the group-think mentality; Supposedly one of the pros of “hooking up” is that it “emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date.”

I’m 23, and thus livin’ deep into the hook-up culture and trust me… it doesn’t make you feel like any less of a loser. Sure, maybe in the “olden days” you were only one of your friends without a date Saturday night-you were at home washing your hair instead. But you could stay at home, and remain some of your dignity-no one would know for sure you didn’t have a date unless they were paying specific attention. Now, you go out with a group of friends-most of whom are hooking up with others in your group of friends, and now you’re the singleton stranded in the middle of a social orgy.

Using group friendships to hook-up also creates another very uncomfortable social situation… divided loyalties and awkwardness. I’ve bounced in among a couple of groups throughout college, and hooking up always managed to leave a deep dramatic scar on group dynamics. With serious dating, if two members broke up, one of the members would inevitably leave the group. This was sort of the expectation-one person would get to “keep” the group of friends. In-group dating has boundaries and rules that you are expected to adhere to while in the group, and while dating.

But the very spirit of hooking-up is to avoid boundaries, and avoid social contracts. “It’s just sex.” “It’s just us hooking up, it doesn’t mean anything.” And yet if partners are not exactly on the same page about what is going on between them, there will be hurt feelings. Since there are no social rules, the partners remain within the group, and the hurt feelings poison most of their dynamics. “Why didn’t he call me after?” “Why is she so jealous I’m hooking up with this other guy?” “Why will he have sex with me but not date me?” Who do the rest of the members side with-supposedly this was just a “hook up,” how did it turn into such big drama?

There are a myriad of reasons I prefer dating over hooking up. I cannot for the life of me figure out how a person can drop their pants to a near stranger (hook-up) but somehow sees conversation over a salad as a horrifying experience (dating.) Furthermore, I believe hooking up depends almost entirely on physical appearance and superficiality; dating allows you to get to know the person one-on-one. You would pass right over a person who is a 7 on your physical attraction scale for someone who is a 9 in the hook-up culture, even though if you “dated” both, you’d discover the 7 is a 15 on your overall emotional/intellectual scale, and the 9 a 2. I think the hook-up culture is exactly what it sounds like; a model you use to get sex. If you are attempting to use as a springboard to dating, as most of my peers are (“I’ll sleep with him a few times, and he’ll see I’m so good in bed he’ll date me!”) you’re barking up the wrong tree.

One of the comments said you can use the group setting to get to know a person, but this is a fallacy. Well, it’s a fallacy if you’re planning on spending any time alone with this person. If the rest of your life will be spent in a group setting, you’ll be fine. I’ve observed over and over people who are one way in a group setting (cheerful, energetic) then do a 180 when confronted individually (withdrawal, quiet.) Likewise, I know people who go the other way-terrified and shy in a group, especially if there is a stranger around, yet engaging and interesting when spoken to one-on-one. If you seek out partners based only on these group dynamics, you’re gonna pass right over those individuals.

Another Hydra head of this “hooking up within the group” usually is that your hook-up will be a friend; maybe one who you’ve had a crush on for a long time, or one that you just happened to get very drunk with. I think a relationship CAN blossom out of these situations, but from my personal experience, I’d say it’s rough at best. If you hook up with a friend, and it leads no where, it’ll put serious strain on the friendship, and the friendships around it. Or let’s say you just keep hooking up without making a commitment, and then when you do find a partner you WANT to make a commitment to, they might be too freaked out by your best gal friend that’s making the relationship a little too crowded.

That said, one of the few pro’s I see in hooking up is one of social regulation. If a person in your social group does something truly heinous and unacceptable, it’s in the group’s best interest to punish them, either through shunning or some other social penalty. Your friends are much more involved in the outcome of your hook-up/relationship because they have a vested interest… if your relationship sinks, your group has a good chance of going down with it.